I like my sex mixed with concussions.
I look better un-naked...
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Randomize
