i'm lost and i look like a hooker
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Randomize
