I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Randomize
