put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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