My nipple is on Facebook.
She has some nice fakeys. She is also an exotic entrepreneur.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
