She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Best friends brother. Beat that.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Randomize
