Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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