4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
