We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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