Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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