She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Randomize
