Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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