Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Enjoy the penises
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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