that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Randomize
