I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Randomize