Hot guy, man whore rep, huge crush, alcohol that will fuck you up. I fail to see how this could go wrong
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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