Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
