I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
