I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Randomize
