she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
