capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
