so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
