eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
