New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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