At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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