So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
