God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Randomize