she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Randomize
