listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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