I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
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