I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
Randomize