Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Randomize
