I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
