It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
