So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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