Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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