I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Randomize
