the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Last comment. I know of no exercises, diets or practices out there to help keeping balls young and healthy. They simply succumb to gravity.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
