is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
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