I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
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