So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
