Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
