his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Randomize
