We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
