Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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