why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
