I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
