Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
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