I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
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