i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
