I think I won the penis lottery.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
He felt like a one man threesome
Every concussion has its silver lining
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
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