lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
