the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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