Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I love how my cats smell like pot.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
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