there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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