Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
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